Many of the folks I work with did not grow up with the safety net needed to heal the pain of oppression, abuse, neglect, trauma, loss, and/or interpersonal injuries. They relied on other available methods to cope, such as becoming perfectionists, appeasing or taking care of others, or minimizing their needs. In each of these trauma responses, they suppressed or banished their emotions because they believed that if they didn’t, they wouldn’t be able to continue with the demands of daily life.

Some of my clients learned these behaviors from caregivers who modeled not talking about painful emotions. Some of them were intentionally taught to not allow their feelings in because they would be punished if they dared show themselves in this way. Almost all of them internalized beliefs that they could not trust their feelings or their bodies to keep them safe.

As Devon Price writes, “There is no shame in having used imperfect strategies to survive.” In fact, these are completely reasonable coping skills to have in unreasonable situations. Many of us feel pulled toward these responses because they can be immediately effective at protecting us or alleviating distress. We grasp at safety in situations where there is suffering; it’s just that there are some ways of doing so that reinforce self-injury more than others.